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Thread: Bush: 'Things going awfully' in New Orleans

  1. #1
    Partridge Guest

    Bush: 'Things going awfully' in New Orleans

    Warning: SATIRE
    By Partridge

    At a major press conference today the President told journalists that things were "going awfully" in New Orleans, and that there was a lot of "room for improvement".

    Bush, flanked by his wife Laura on his left and mother Barbara on his right, was not talking about the relief efforts however. He was referring to what he called "the negative coverage" of the disaster by the media.

    In an impassioned speech, he lambasted the media for their role in the tradegy. "Things are bad enough down there," he said, "and a bunch of nosy parkers with nothing better to do are hampering the Partisan Relief effort of this Administration."

    "The truth is depressing, so why do journalists insist on reporting it?" asked a truly puzzled President. "These are the times that try PR mens' souls, and the media is not helping them," the President continued, adding that people don't want to see "rolling coverage of 'reality based' death and destruction", they much prefer seeing "ragheads tortured on 24".

    Such imagery, the President said, "made people feel good, emboldened, truly American," while news reports focusing on the disaster in New Orleans "made people ask difficult questions. Questions I'm not sure Karl can answer satis... satisfictionerrr... satisfactorily."

    Bush went on to say that in times of national disaster (like during Republican presidencies) it is not the media's job to "undermine Presidental authority", but to act as a "buffer between an angry and confused populace and an incompetent and uncaring Administration."

    "And unlike the levees in New Orleans, that buffer should never be breached by tides of anger flowing in from outside." He continued, "for if that was to happen, the consequences would be far more worser than a few thousand dead niggers in Voodooland."

    During the Q&A session, when the President was asked what could "possibly be worse than thousands of dead Americans," he replied: "Thousands of dead rich white Americans hanging from streetlights. People like your bosses. Then you'd be out of work, no better off than those floating face down through the streets of Nawlins." This received a huge cheer from the press ensemble.

    In his closing remarks, the President urged all patriotic pressmen to rally behind the flag and concentrate on some feelgood stories, like the Military Mom who's ten sons and one daughter all died in Iraq, but she's so locked into a valium trip she just doesn't care. "Those are the kind of stories America wants to hear about. The triumph of feelgood American medicine over harsh reality," and with a wink and a knowing nod, the President finished "and I'm sure there's a lesson the media can learn from that."

  2. #2
    PhilosophyGenius Guest
    And things are going well in Iraq ???

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