Bush holds Idol summit
What global crisis? Prez to meet Taylor


Jul. 27, 2006. 05:29 AM

It's been called an historic meeting.

Tomorrow, as the world continues to spiral through miserable chaos, U.S. President George W. Bush will welcome the — wait for it — Top 10 contestants from American Idol.

Yes, before the "American Idols Live" concert series touches down in Washington, D.C., for a performance at the Verizon Center, the popular warblers will be granted a tour of the White House, one that includes face-time with the most powerful man on the planet.

Some predictions: Paris Bennett will cry; Katharine McPhee* will monopolize Bush's time (*if she shows up); Elliott Yamin will break spontaneously into a funky dance on the South Lawn; Chris Daughtry will frighten Barney the dog; Ace Young will put the moves on a staffer; and Kellie Pickler will say something remarkably stupid, possibly more than once.

Alabama's Taylor Hicks, who won the contest, will undoubtedly be asked how it feels to have earned 63 million total votes — more than Bush received in 2004.

Instead of answering, Hicks will tilt his head to one side, grin like Stevie Wonder and start playing the harmonica.

Why is the American president meeting with American Idol contestants, something that's never happened before? Two words: Susan Whitson. She's Laura Bush's press secretary and, from the Small World Department, she was also Hicks's 9th grade English teacher in Birmingham.

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is also a declared superfan of American Idol.

Did she pull some strings to make Bush-Idol 2006 happen? Who knows. But don't be surprised if Rice takes a break from Middle East diplomacy to whoop it up with Taylor and friends.

In other Very Weird Idol News, it was announced yesterday that Canadian Idol host Ben Mulroney has been appointed — again, wait for it — a national ambassador for UNICEF Canada.

What does this mean? It means soon, very soon, we might hear something like: "Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the kids of Malawi!" Or: "Your generous contributions will ensure that no child has to wear last year's fashions!"

Where were we?

Oh, right. Here now, 25 Things George W. Bush Might Accidentally Say During Tomorrow's Historic Summit With The Idols:

1. Nuclear or conventional — Bucky, what would you use on Iran?

2. Think about it: better border control could mean fewer rude Brits.

3. If the economy was edible, you could swallow the deficit, Mandisa!

4. Somebody sing me a little ditty that pokes fun at Hezbollah!

5. Tony Snow wasn't my first choice for press secretary. Ryan Seacrest said he was too busy.

6. Katharine, the NSA tells me you've become quite a diva!

7. Don't be scared, kids — that's just Dick Cheney.

8. Paris, you remind me of a young Condi.

9. Your success proves this great nation doesn't need Social Security!

10. I might change the law so Americans can vote more than once during federal elections.

11. Kellie, don't feel bad, only liberal elites eat calamari.

12.This one time I sang "Turning Japanese" to Koizumi — you should have seen the look on his face!

13. It's true, I cried when Chicken Little was eliminated.

14. Daughtry, you interested in becoming my Secretary of Defense?

15. No singing in the Oval Office ... just kidding!

16. I almost named Randy Jackson to the Supreme Court.

17. As I once told an aide: "Get me out of that health care session. I can't miss the Manilow theme night."

18. Quick, before the global warming strikes, who wants another glass of iced tea?

19. Make no mistake: one day there will be a North Korean Idol.

20. Heads, I give Lisa a neck rub; tails, I arm-wrestle Elliott!

21. Laura says Paula is just misunderstood.

22. In the future, you will all be older.

23. We went with a War on Terror, yes, but we also considered a War on William Hung.

24. Ace, the Republican Party needs more pretty boys like you.

25. Sometimes, late at night, I think, "What would Taylor do?"